Swine flu. Run for my life!
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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