Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
