Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
