I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
