we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
