I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just pee around me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
