So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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