her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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