I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
