ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
