Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she peed on how many people?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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