the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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