She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
