Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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