I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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