They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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