i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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