Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
And then he peed in my hair
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
