when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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