Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
