she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
