I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
