remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
