woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
