My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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