You smell like a Billy Joel song
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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