What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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