How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
