I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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