I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
