i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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