sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The ass gains better be worth it
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