Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
