I think I won the penis lottery.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
