Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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