She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
