What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Semen is not good for contacts.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
