This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
