my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we made out on top of his cat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
