I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
