I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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