Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm jealous of your bromance
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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