Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
