I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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