I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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