My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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