My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
