I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
