my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
