he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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