his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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