mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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