nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize