You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize