every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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