Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
