well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
