Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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