oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm having to shit out rocks
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