i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
