I'm going to jail i love you
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You made out with two different species that night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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