new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize