we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
