just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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