I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
