if i can run in heels then i can drive
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
