I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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