chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
